last week we found out that we had a chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage. this news is devastating for a couple who has been trying to conceive for a long time. i always hear that this is such a glorious time, but when you struggle with fertility issues that is not always the case. no one ever tells you that you will develop this strong love/hate relationship with your body and just how well you get to know yourself. and no one tells you how to cope or react to the emotional roller coaster you face every month. you start out hopeful of a new month and chance to get pregnant, you do everything right building up to ovulation, then you are in a holding pattern for the next 2 weeks, the whole time carefully monitoring any cramp, headache, fluctuation in temperature or mood swing. then comes the disappointing news that arrives when you get your period. and no one but you understands just how in tuned you are with your body after you go through months of fertility acupuncture, 2 different doctors, BBT charting, countless pregnancy tests, chinese herbs, diet changes, ovulation predictor kits, many rounds of blood work and just the good old "gut feel".
why does it feel as though your body is on the other team and betrays you every month? for the last year and a half i wanted so badly to get pregnant, and we did. unfortunately it didn't last more than 5 weeks, so you can imagine the excitement that was closely followed by extreme disappointment, confusion and anger. i've had to take a close look at what i had wished for and adjust my goal. i want to get pregnant and have a full term healthy pregnancy.
at this point, i am ready to move on from this experience and recognize that although it is a let down, we are also encouraged by it. it feels one step closer to achieving our goals of having a family. what has helped me get through this last week is being outside, exercising, getting good rest and of course puppy cuddles. i am so lucky to have the love and support of my family and my amazing husband, he wants so badly to be able to help, so i asked him to plan a fun date for us and surprise me. i felt like it was important to have fun together and reconnect and leave the sadness behind. so today he planned a hike in mt. wilson where we can bring wilfred and eat lunch at a biker bar. as he said "being on the top of the mountain seeing all of los angeles will be a good reset." and somehow it feels symbolic. then we will follow up the day with a family dinner with some good comfort food!
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