pregnancy ramble of the day...

while walking wilfred today i had all these thoughts racing through my head and i had to get them out.  as i am enjoying the "cool" weather i am reflecting back on the last two years of our journey to conceive and feeling extremely grateful for my pregnant belly.

for those of you who know us, know that we didn't have it easy when we started trying to get pregnant.  unfortunately the first year was a waste due to the fact that i had a terrible doctor who thought putting me on hormones might help, and she mis-prescribed them only for them to act as a contraceptive.  this did not become apparent to us until i started going to acupuncture and my acupuncturist asked for a list of any medications i was on.  thank goodness she was knowledgeable enough to quickly realize this red flag and get me off of them immediately, as well as switch doctors!

i had so many tests done and all of which came back as "normal."  so this puts you in a very mysterious category of "unexplained infertility."  in my mind i always saw myself getting pregnant the old fashioned way, but i continued to explore natural and organic ways to improve my fertility. in this time i realized that i was not alone in this struggle.  i would see and hear stories on social media from other women about their experiences with IVF, IUI's, and adoption.   and because of their willingness to share, we were able to form a community of support for one another.  it is a club no one chooses to be in, but it brought me closer to friends and reconnected me with old ones.  you become a cheerleader for them, you cry together, you ask them questions and become a resource of information for others. 

often times you are so caught up in the moment with frustration and fear that you can hardly imagine being on the other side of it all.  but when you do, there becomes feelings of guilt for those that can no longer relate to you. 

for my friends that are still writing their fertility story, i want you to know, i will always understand the feelings of loneliness,  emptiness, anxiety and sadness.  i know how hard it is to feel emotions that are not typical of ourselves, like anger and resentment and jealousy.  and i experienced 2 miscarriages and am no stranger to the feelings of loss and anger.  i will always be your cheerleader there to support you through this and hold tight to hope, faith and positive thinking.  miracles happen everyday. 

when we open up to people about our experiences the usual reaction is "i know", "i understand", "don't worry, everything will be okay."  but these responses diminish our feelings and i truly believe that no one understands what it feels like unless you have lived it.  you develop the most intense love/hate relationship with your own body, feeling betrayed month after month after month. 

on the flip side of it, i know everyone wants to put their 2 cents in about parenthood and how to raise a child.  it's a learning and growing experience i am excited to share with my husband.  my sister in law is coming upon the end of her maternity leave, and i can only imagine the mixed feelings she is going through right now, but honestly i am not in her shoes and i don't know how it feels.  so the best answer i could give her was "i know this will be a transition period for all of you, i am always here if you need to chat or vent." 

my long winded point is that if you have always dreamed of having your own family, it does not matter how you get to that point, whether it be fertility treatments or adoption or something else.  don't forget your story of how you got there and be willing to share with others who are in the same position as you, your support means more than you know!  and sometimes listening to feelings without judgement and advice is the best thing you can provide for others.