what breastfeeding has taught me...

sorry for yet another breastfeeding post, but as my milk supply gets less and less i can't help to reflect back.  i can honestly say i gave breastfeeding 110%, however my body did not cooperate.   i know that i am not alone and i think what i have gone through is more common than i think it is.  so what i have learned from breastfeeding is that i am not "most people."  and let me tell you why, along with some other breastfeeding misconceptions i believe in...

~most people can increase supply by drinking more water, increasing calories and taking a variety of supplements.  i did it all!  for me, the only thing that gave me a noticeable difference was a doctor prescribed drug.  however, this prescription comes with risky side effects.  although i did well on it, it is not something i can take forever, that wouldn't be good for me or baby.  i was able take two rounds of it, and my body really only reacted well to the first time i took it.  there are a couple of other drugs that are known to increase milk supply, however they are not approved for use in the US.  but woman have been breastfeeding since they have been having babies, which means they were doing it in times of famine.

~most women notice that breastfeeding gets easier around 6-8 weeks as your milk supply gets established.  it never got easy for us, we adjusted our attitude, goals and expectations.  it got a little easier around the 10 week mark and that was because we started to supplement with donor milk.

~most women notice that baby empties the breast better than a pump.  well my baby is an inefficient eater and also prefers to snack.  i found the pump was a better way for me to empty the breast and get an idea of what i produce.

~most women produce enough to meet the needs of the baby.  well if breastfeeding is a supply and demand kinda thing, then why do some women suffer from low supply (like me) and some have over supply?  also many women are able to effortlessly pump more milk to build a freezer stash, which would indicate that they are making more than enough milk.  for me, i fight for every ounce i give to her!  this shit really is liquid gold!  and whoever said "no use crying over spilled milk" has never breastfeed or pumped (it must have been a dude)!

~most women can see an increase by putting the baby to the breast often and doing a lot of skin to skin.  well let me tell you the countless hours stuck to the couch or bed with bowie nursing, but nothing coming out.  this only lead to frustration because i have a hungry baby and my nipples are bleeding, cracked and sore.

~if your baby has enough wet and dirty diapers then they are getting enough, i call total BS on this one.  bowie had enough wet diapers, but i can see she is always hungry, not satisfied after feedings and not gaining enough weight.  i think my motherly and gut instincts are a better indicator on this one (i also did weighed feedings).  i refuse to let my stubbornness get in the way of my baby thriving and growing.  every bottle of formula i give her breaks my heart a little, but my brain tells me that there is nothing wrong with feeding her this way as long as she is healthy and happy that is what matters most.

~most breastfeeding women don't get their periods back until they are done breastfeeding.  sorry for TMI but i got mine back at 3 months postpartum (70% of her diet was coming from breast milk, combo of breastfeeding and pumping).  they say that this shouldn't have too much of an effect on your supply with the exception of when you are on your period (it will lessen), but this change in hormones even further lessened my supply.

~it frustrates me that people think under supply is very uncommon and an excuse and that only a very small percentage of women actually have it.  most of the breastfeeding forums i follow and la leche would tend to think that i have given up too easily and that what i call and "under supply" is an easy way out.  it is so hard to prove that you have an "under supply" but i know that my body was unable to produce enough to satisfy my baby.  i know my body best and i also know that i went to great lengths to do my best to have a successful breastfeeding relationship.  i don't believe we have failed at it, it just wasn't what i had hoped to get out of it.

so in short breastfeeding has taught me that me and my body are not like "most women."  and just like birth stories and babies development, we can't compare, we are all so different.  i had the best of intentions on exclusively breastfeeding for the first year, i never thought we would have had such difficulties.  lots of women go into labor with a "birth plan" and they say that you need to be flexible and open minded because often times your "birth plan" does not go the way you wish.  well this is very similar.  we have had to adjust and rethink my "breastfeeding plan" so that it works for our family and bowie's needs are met.  in a way i feel robbed of this experience, but i am fortunate that even if cut short she was exclusively breastfeed for the first few months of her life.  i saw a quote on one of the forums i follow and i wish i had saved it, but it went something like this "the amount of time you breastfeed does not define your success as a mother or the love between you and baby."  as i said in my last post, i will do this until my body no longer lets me.  i fight for every ounce of breast milk she gets.  i continue to breastfeed for snacks and comfort, and i am able to pump enough to freeze a serving here and there.  i do have a small freezer stash (about 300 ounces) that i use for bottles and will use to mix in with food when she starts solids in a few weeks!  as you can tell this has been an emotional ride for me filled with a lot of disappointment and guilt.  everyday i try to make peace with the fact that my body isn't able to provide the nutrition bowie needs and that is OK, we are doing our very best and every little bit of breast milk she gets is better than nothing.