on july 13th at my end of first trimester ultrasound and genetic screening we were told that the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks 3 days. at this point i was 12.5 weeks pregnant and had no symptoms of miscarriage (no bleeding or cramping) and my body was still progressing as if i was pregnant. we left the hospital in shock. we came home and i did some research on how i would have to handle this, and my doctors office called us in for an appointment to go over these options. unfortunately my doctor was on vacation and i had to see a fill in. i had seen this doctor before for a routine prenatal visit when i was pregnant with bowie. i don't dislike her but she is not a good fit for me. i went in thinking i had my mind made up for a D&C (surgery to remove the pregnancy tissue) but i felt like she pushed a prescription pill on me that i could do at home. she said my doctor was on vacation until the following week and two other doctors were also out and the surgery might be difficult to schedule. i left that appointment feeling very conflicted about what i wanted to do. she gave me a RX to fill in case i wanted to go through with having the miscarriage at home along with anti- nausea pills and pain medication. we had company coming in the very next day and i didn't want to change our plans, but it also played a role in making my decision as to how i wanted to handle it. i decided to go with the surgery and booked it for monday july 17th late afternoon. we had a good visit with our company and my mom came up as well so she could be here to help us.
jump to monday july 17th. i had my pre-op appointment in the morning. my doctor was still out of town, but the doctor that ended up delivering bowie was going to do the surgery, and i like him a lot. once i got home i started to have second thoughts about the surgery. after talking it over with jarad i decided that i didn't want to go through with it and i wanted to take the pills instead. so i immediately called the office to cancel and filled my RX. i had read a lot online about personal experiences of taking cytotec at home to induce miscarriage and they were a lot of horror stories, so i really had this built up in my head. i took the pills at 3pm and made myself comfy in bed. i also took the anti-nausea and pain meds ahead of time. i waited and waited and waited. i had mild cramps, but nothing. it was not until 10pm that i got severe cramps and finally started the heavy bleeding at 12am. that lasted until around 5 or 6am. at that point i had been up all night and was surprised that my pain level never got beyond a 3 or 4. i was wiped out though. i took a long nap and then woke up and felt a bit weak, but was overall feeling good.
over the next two days my mom and i did some gardening, eating out and played with bowie. on wednesday july 19th we even went to story time on the lake. as we were leaving i knew something was not right. as we got home i discovered i had a large clot that i was unable to pass on my own. i ended up in the doctors office and they confirmed what i was feeling, so they had to do an ultrasound and also physically remove the tissue. so far this was the hardest part of everything. the pain, cramping and reality of it was hard to take in. the doctor gave me another dose (3 more rounds of cytotec) in hopes of shedding the last of the pregnancy tissue. he did one more ultrasound before we left and said we were just about complete, but i would have a little more clotthing to pass.
on july 28th i had an ultrasound with my own doctor to confirm that everything was gone. in fact i tried to cancel this appointment since i felt confident that everything had passed since my last visit. they said it was routine and i am glad i did go in because i still had one more stubborn clot. my doctor said since i was at low risk of infection i could try one more round of cytotec. at this point i wanted to take the pill since it felt silly to schedule the surgery for such a small thing. i took the 3 doses of cytotec over that weekend and nothing happened.
on thursday august 3rd i went in for another ultrasound follow up and it showed that the clot was still there. the doctor said it was attached to my uterine wall, so that the only way to complete this miscarriage would be to remove it by D&C. she said that it would still be causing me to produce pregnancy hormones and my cycles won't return to normal until it is gone. she asked when did i want to do the surgery and i said sooner than later. she replied with "i can add you to my schedule at the end of day tomorrow." so we did my pre-op paperwork and she told me the surgery coordinator would call me that afternoon to confirm the time. i made babysitting arrangements for bowie and jarad cleared his work schedule for friday afternoon and then we went out to a good thai food dinner!
friday august 4th i checked into the hospital at 4pm and surprisingly everything was right on time. they admitted me and gave me my IV and i met with the anesthesiologist. my doctor came in and rolled me into the OR and she held my hand and told me what to expect. they put a mask over my face and that is the last thing i remember. the procedure itself is very quick and probably even shorter for me since i had done most of the work at home. but when it was over the doctor talked with jarad and they had my in the recovery room for about a 1/2 hour or so. i got to talk to my doctor as well and was eating some ice chips. once i was awake and alert they put me in a room to finish recovering and jarad met me there. the total recovery time was about 1.5 hours, we left the hospital around 7:15pm, we picked up a pizza and got bowie and headed home!
i will go back to the doctor in a couple of weeks for one final follow up, but this time i expect good news! after 3 long weeks of bleeding, cramping and lots of doctor appointments i am happy to put this behind us. people ask my why i didn't opt for the surgery to begin with and i find that to be an awfully personal question. i don't regret the way i did it, but it was hard how it dragged out for so long. there is no good way or easy way to deal with a miscarriage, so you do what you think is right or best, and my mind changed several times. even though this is a short procedure it is a real surgery. you are given an IV, put under, given a catheter, breathing tube, the whole deal. this entire experience is exhausting mentally, emotionally and physically. i am beyond ready for the healing to begin so we can continue to try to give bowie a sibbling.
i have been pregnant 4 times now and we only have 1 baby. this is my 3rd miscarriage and by far the hardest one, well at least physically. my previous two were before bowie, so you can imagine how devastating and emotional they were especially when trying for our first. but they ended very early in pregnancy and i never had to seek medical attention to deal with them. this one was much farther along and what a mind fuck when your body continues to grow and act pregnant when there is no longer a baby thriving inside of you. but, i feel so blessed that we have one happy and healthy baby and that is all i could ever ask for. i have an amazing supportive husband and i have all i ever wanted. i do think bowie will be a big sister one day (hopefully sooner than later, in fact bowie was conceived the very next cycle after my 2nd miscarriage) but if it isn't in our cards i am okay with that as well, i am beyond lucky.
so that is the story if you were wondering what was going on. thanks for listening to me and allowing me to share what we have gone through.
I always vote for honesty and you delivered. Putting your story out there heals you and may help others.You are a brave and strong woman, my daughter. Love always
ReplyDelete