i'm not sure when, but it is soon, the end is near and our breastfeeding journey is coming to a close. at six months old i had the ultimate trifecta that made my supply tank (hormones, sickness and growth spurt) and at this point i had to supplement. it wasn't a lot, but i had to feed the moose. we made it past the hump and i was producing back to normal again. but i was still supplementing to replenish my freezer stash. ryder is not the best sleeper and he would wake up several times a night to come into bed with me and nurse. he could do this for HOURS! this is not sustainable for me as i get very little sleep. so about two weeks ago (not even) i decided i would heat up water and put it in a thermos and bring up bottles and formula and give him bottles at night in place of nursing. well, little did i know at the time that would be the beginning of the end for him. he has gotten very distracted while nursing (developmentally appropriate) and he bites with his two bottom teeth, but my supply is less and he just prefers to eat from the bottle now. i have been working on getting my supply up with supplements, hydrating and pumping more. right now i spend 1.5 hours pumping a day and the output is enough to give him 8-10 ounces of milk, but i feel it dwindling by the day. i am not ready! i cried about it the other night. when i quit pumping for bowie i was only producing less than half and ounce per pump session. so i am not there yet, but i have to decide if the benefit outweighs the time and energy. i believe breast milk is the perfect baby food, but i also believe fed is best and this guy is hungry and not only hungry for milk but REAL FOOD! it is only 4 short months away until he will be able to have cows milk and probably only weeks away until he is eating more consistently.
when i dig deep and think of the emotion i feel the most about this journey coming to an end it is "inadequate." that is exactly how i felt with bowie. of course there are feelings of sadness, guilt, failure, disappointment and the realization that my last little baby is growing up way too fast! however, i never expected ryder and i to be so successful with our breastfeeding, given all the previous struggles i had with bowie. it was a night and day experience. it's not to say it was always easy, but it was always worth it to me. i fed him from my body alone exclusively for 6 whole months! every chunk and fat dimple i gave to him and he thrived and grew from my hard work and commitment. and anyone who has breastfed or pumped knows that it is a full time job and not easy.
why do i feel inadequate? well, i wish we could go longer, that my body would produce more and that we could breastfeed effortlessly again. there is always an envy of those super moms who produce more than enough and can feed multiple babies, are comfortable feeding their babies anywhere any which way, have a large freezer stash, pump lots of milk and are able to breastfeed as long as they wish. breastfeeding is a super power!
i am fairly certain we won't make it to my year goal, but that is not to say i am not proud of myself and if i only get a few more latches in we will make it to 8 months for sure! i have been breastfeeding him in the morning because that is when i have the most milk and that is it for the day. i will miss this time with him for sure, and i cherish this experience! not sure when i will give up pumping, but it probably won't be too far behind, as i could use that extra hour and a half for lots of other productive mommy things.
Nothing surprised me more then how successful you were nursing Ryder especially after struggling with Bowie. You produced soooo much milk and he was a superior sucker! Please- no disappointment, feel proud and successfully. Transitions are hard when watching your baby move on to the next phase but little moose has a big appetite. You did GOOD EB.
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